Wednesday, October 1, 2008
This is a photo of my children. I think they are beautiful. There are times when I may be looking at either of them and become amazed that these two people chose me as their mother. Even though both are grown now, in my mind they still exist as babies, toddlers, middle schoolers, and teenaged brats!
They were born fourteen years apart. I raised both of them essentially alone, though their respective fathers were around for about two to three years each, then faded out of the picture. There is no changing the past but I can state without reservation that parenthood is much easier if there are two parents. Two parents can tag-team a willful teen. Two parents can usually outsmart a three year old. Two parents can shore up one another for those late night feedings, fevers, baseball tournaments and calls to the school.
These are the kids who spoke disrespectfully to their mother, broke or lost their expensive toys, lied to and disobeyed me at times. These two wrecked cars and broke the law and got in a little trouble at school. One ran away and both have been arrested. One fell fifteen feet from a tree. One was in a bad car accident. Both have drank alcohol and done many other things against my best efforts to teach them otherwise. But so far, they are still alive and well.
Of course, they had a crazy mother who cussed like a sailor, smoked like a chimney, and rode a Harley. Now that they are grown, I understand how I SHOULD have raised them. Somehow we made it to today, and all of us are still speaking. Somehow, my kids know that I love them beyond imagining.
I had the opportunity to go into Lodge with both of my children several years ago. Though most of it is a knowing that can not be expressed in words, I caught a glimpse of who these two people truly are.... I caught a sense of their true spirits, of their souls. I saw that this life is just a tiny sliver of who they are, and that being their mother is just a tick of time in eternity. It was humbling. It was profound. It was almost beyond description. I can not say that revelation excused me from all the poor decisions I made as their mother, but I did feel somewhat better seeing how awesome they are in their spiritual aspect.
Yet, we are here on this earth as physical beings, to experience being born and growing up and growing old. We are here to experience the power and pain of free will. We are here to love one another, to worry and argue and cry together. We are here to laugh and enjoy life and live in this mysterious, beautiful world. I would not trade away one second of my life with these two people, not for anything.