Sunday, November 8, 2009

Useful Information

I have learned a few things in my life that I am willing to share with the rest of the world freely and with no further obligation.

When I was four years old, I had the idea to dive head first into a pillow. I placed a pillow carefully on the floor, then climbed into my little brother's crib. It was easy to get into the crib because the side rail was down. With no further ado, I dove head first into the pillow. I hit the pillow squarely. The top of my head slammed into the floor as if the pillow was not there. It hurt. As I lay stunned on the floor, I determined that diving into pillows is not useful.

When I was eleven, my family was visiting my first cousins. In my aunt's yard there was room to ride a bicycle all the way around her large house. I was doing just that, minding my own business, riding one of my many cousins' little bicycles. With each lap around the house, I was picking up speed. I had my head down and was totally into the moment. Tommy Reser, the meanest of all the big cousins, jumped out from behind a shrub and jammed a broom handle into the front wheel of that bike. The front of the bike stopped immediately but the back wheel, and me, continued to travel at the same speed right over the handle bars. As I lay stunned on the sidewalk, I determined it is safer, and more useful, to always ride with eyes ahead.

The first time I swallowed a bug while I was riding my motorcycle, I thought it was possible at seventy miles per hour to spit off to the side, and the wind would carry it away. No. The air pressure simply smears the moisture along the surface of your face.

This is free advice.


Li'l Ned said...

Wow, these are great tips. If I can add a couple of my own? Do not chew up razor blades (did this at around age 2), my mom got the pieces out of my mouth before I swallowed them, and after reassembling the pieces, one was missing. I guess I swallowed one after all. Didn't even cut my mouth, but still, it seemed like a no-win activity.

I also observed my brother eating a (fuzzy) caterpillar. This didn't work out too well either, as the fuzz stuck in his throat and he made interesting choking noises until my our mom came and cleared his mouth.

Oh, and do not ride over storm drain grates on a bicycle that is too big for you. The bike stops suddenly, girls crash down onto their naughty bits and it hurts like crazy. Good thing I wasn't a boy.

Jackie, I see you have avoided some of the bigger issues (don't marry the wrong person, don't drink and drive (or text while driving), and many others. I think this is wise. Best to focus on the small things in life. Better chance of being heeded, perhaps.

Anonymous said...

If you're sawing a large limb from a tree, make sure the top of ladder is at least two feet above the branch it's resting on. When the cut part falls, the remaining part will rise significantly.

As soon as I cut the limb, I saw the flaw in my plan as the remaining part of the limb began rising toward the tip of the ladder. I grabbed the limb and put all my weight on it. There might have been an inch of the ladder still resting (?) on the limb as I pressed down with all I had. Fortunately, a neighbor heard my requests for help and tossed a rope over the limb and held it down so I could scramble off of the ladder.

Jackie said...

Oooh, now that's some new information, Kathy! Must add to my list: do not eat razor blades or caterpillars or ride bikes (and possibly motorcycles) over storm drains! We could write a book!! ; )

For the big stuff, there are already laws against all of it! ; )

Jackie said...

It's good to have neighbors!