Going through some of my old files, I came across this letter my cat wrote to my mother's cat. According to my stepfather, this letter made my mother's day. Snoops is my mother and stepfather's cat, long deceased. Aldebaran is my cat, also long deceased, murdered right before my eyes by a crazy goddamned stray dog that showed up here and I was stupid enough to feed for two years. Though my mother is also gone, this letter brought some good memories.
 |
| Aldebaran |
August
28, 2001
Dear
Snoops,
You don’t know me, but we are related
through our human beings. I overheard my
Most Important Human (MIH) laughing about how weird you are. She even hinted that you might be a product
of inbreeding because you come from such a small and isolated town. What a crock!
You can’t help it because you live with two old people and you’re a bit
weird.
Everyone
knows that when humans get older, they lose their strength against Cat
Powers. I have it on good authority that
you’ve done a great job with your two humans and they are feeding all the cats
in your neighborhood! Good job.
It’s important for cats to emotionally
support one another. It ain’t easy being
a cat. I live with a teenage boy and he
is a real pain in the neck. He wears
stinky athletic shoes. He loves to shout
unexpectedly to cause me (and his mother) to jump three feet in the air. And he listens to the worst gangster music
you ever heard. He’s so mean that even
I, the Great Disdainful Aldebaran, do not dare to bite or scratch him. I bite and scratch his mother instead. She’ll be fifty in a couple of years so she
has almost no defense against my Cat Powers.
I have almost complete control over
her. Each time she puts a rug on the
floor in the bathroom or the kitchen, I poop on it. She throws the rug out instead of me! She doesn’t even bother buying rugs now. I heard you chose one of the most important
rugs in your whole house to poop on and the old man you live with has to wash
it all the time. (Damn, you’re good!)
I do other things with my Cat
Powers. I chase mice around when I feel
like it and that endears me to the woman I live with. When a snake got in the house, though, I just
let it slither under the kitchen stove.
Now I sit in the kitchen and watch her cook with her feet as far away
from the stove as possible. I could have
caught that snake, but hey, I don’t get treated THAT well around here.
At least you don’t have to live with a
dumb dog. I do. God, is he stupid! A skunk sprays him at least once every other
month. I stare at him all the time from
the front window, exerting my Cat Powers on him. (Who do you think convinces him to play with
the skunks?)
I am going to close for now. I need to stretch and roll over and fold my
furry paws on my chest and watch the woman upside down. She has absolutely NO defense against
that. I just wanted to let you know I am
standing up for you, Cousin. When she
said you were inbred, I went over and sharpened my claws on the furniture, but
she just scooped me up and hugged me.
Cat Powers!
Sincerely,
The
Great Disdainful Aldebaran
Post Script: Aldebaran called my son "mean" because he was loud and constantly active and enjoyed teasing the cat and his mother. He has never been abusive to animals - just to clarify!
Post Script: Aldebaran called my son "mean" because he was loud and constantly active and enjoyed teasing the cat and his mother. He has never been abusive to animals - just to clarify!
