Thursday, August 11, 2011

Packin' for Anarchy

If or when America descends into anarchy, the first thing I am going to do is purchase a shotgun to carry in my automobile. Whenever I have the misfortune to run into one of those drivers who instantly enrages me, I am going to blast holes into his car - maybe two or three huge, gaping holes. Oh my GOD, how much I wish I could just blast away with reckless abandon!

Topeka's city engineers have efficiently chosen to do simultaneous extreme road repair at every major street intersection. The city of deferred maintenance has suddenly realized money might soon be in short supply and elected to finally repair the streets. It might have been the mob of torch-bearing peasants and pitch fork-wielding farmers threatening the city council over pot hole damage that finally instigated this dizzying obstacle course of traffic delay and aggravation across the entire city. No one is happy driving the major streets of Topeka this summer.

There I was, patiently waiting to turn right into a single lane of orange cones and an endless line of waiting cars at one of the biggest intersections today. The cars were bumper to bumper. It was lunch time. No one was going to allow me to cut in line. I was not even watching for a benevolent soul who might wave me in. I glanced at one guy who had his cell phone against his ear then turned my attention to adjusting the mirror. I looked up in time to see Cell Phone Guy angrily shaking his head at me, both arms up in exasperation over the stupid woman who missed his attempt to wave her in line.

Kablooey, fool!

Nothing makes me angrier than a jerk like that. Well, someone behind me honking his horn because I am not getting out of his way fast enough makes me angrier. I have worked since I was 14 years old. I have paid my share in taxes for the construction and repair of every street and road in America - which gives me the same rights to the road as any horn-blaring $%@&** in such a hurry he thinks honking will cause me to move out of his way. Wrong, Asshole. At the sound of a horn behind me, the accelerator in my truck seizes. The truck can only go slower and slower with each horn blast.

There is a wonderful term for this behavior: passive aggressive. No one gets hurt. If I get that shotgun, my behavior will no longer be passive. Cell Phone Guy could be driving around with the rear quarter panel blasted out of his stupid SUV right now.... waving his arms around at me like I'm too stupid to be driving the same streets with him....

Anarchy! Anarchy!

5 comments:

cyberkit said...

Why settle for a quarter panel? take out the windshield. So very much more inconvenient. As a bonus, they'll get wet when it rains.

ProfessorRoush said...

Get the shotgun now; anarchy is coming. But don't put it in your car; blasting other cars is poor driving form, and, in Kansas, you might get shot back...never know when someone is carrying.

cyberkit said...

Ironically, it's the traffic cones that will protect us from anarchy. Everybody wants a government department of whatever to makebroads and fill potholes.

cyberkit said...

That should have been "make roads", not makebroads (although one could make a case for...) My fingers have been demonstrating a life of their own and added a 'b' instead of a space.

Li'l Ned said...

Well, I've always fantasized about having a mortar. Not sure if they still make 'em, the ones I'm visualizing are from old WW2 movies. You know, load the big big boom thing in one end, it shoots out the other, totally demolishing the stupid jerk in the other car.

I guess they wouldn't work in a car, so probably I would just set mine up in the front yard and take out a few neighborhood dogs and *&&%%^& bambis.

Maybe they have them at the survivalist supply store down by the overpass........